I have no ambition

or at least thats what my husband says.

He is not happy that I don't clean the house very much or that I don't take initiative to work out. He says I come up with excuses for everything. Like the fact that I have been telling him for months I want to sign back up for yoga and pilates classes, but I can't because he works all the time and that leaves me to take care of Levi. His response? Why do you have to spend money on a class? Why can't you go jogging or use the treadmill? Well, for one, there is still that whole TIME factor and for two, the treadmill we have is a hunk of junk he got for free from one of his friends. The track is horrible and feels like you are pushing it when you even walk quickly. Everyone has their own prefered methods of activity and things that motivate them. Doing a video in my living room or using the crappy treadmill are NOT good motivation. But these are just more excuses, right?

I have told him that I hate how he makes comments about my body and they are not usually compliments. He isn't downright insulting, but pretty much tells it how it is. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone to point it out. I need a husband who thinks I'm beautiful. Instead he says "well, you don't do anything to make yourself better" or something pretty damn close to that.

I try to eat somewhat healthy, I do my make-up and I try to dress nicely in things he likes. Apparently though, since I don't take the iniatiative to wake-up early or work out after Levi goes to bed (because those would be my only available times) I don't try.

I attempted to point out all the things that I do get done, all the keeping track of Levi's needs and doctors appts., making sure we don't run out of milk and laundry detergent, shopping for gifts - even when its his mother's birthday, planning events like Levi's bday party & baptism, taking the dog to the vet, you know. It all takes initiative. No one is there to tell me to do it. I just do.

Pretty sure it didn't make a difference, because when I asked him for a response, he wanted me to repeat myself and said he didn't remember what I said.

I went downstairs and cried myself to sleep after this argument. He slept on the couch and never came down. And he left the house this morning without waking me to say goodbye.

I feel like all he does is critisize me these days. Our relationship sucks. We have completely different priorities and we just aren't seeing eye-to-eye. Even if I found some way to keep the house clean and work-out without completely wearing myself out, I still don't think it would be enough.

Why is it, that no matter what stage of my life I am in, I always feel like nothing I do is ever enough? I felt that way growing up my whole life. I could never please my mother. And now I feel that way with my husband. The man who used to make me so happy.

The song on the left was the one we used for our first dance. We chose it because, well, it was true. We loved coming home to one another. It was what we each looked forward to everyday, coming home and spending time with each other and relaxing and dreaming about our future together.

Dh told me awhile back, that he doesn't look forward to coming home anymore.

I think my heart is breaking.

Fingers crossed! (work related)

I just sent the first draft of a 36 page magazine out for review. Deep breathe.

The non-profit I work for is helping out another non-profit, by volunteering some of our time to help them with their marketing.

They gave me a cd with a bunch of word documents and web-quality images and I was told to make their magazine. No direction, no template, no pagination, nothing.

Ack! It has been an immensely overwhelming project, and it is such a relief to be as far as I am, but I am still nervous.

Fingers crossed they like it!

Almost a year old!

Yep, I still haven't gotten any better at posting!

Levi is almost a year old now and he is turning into quite the little toddler! I sit back and watch him some days and can barely believe that my little baby is growing so fast!

He started taking steps just after he turned 9 months, and was really walking a few weeks later. Now he practically runs sometimes! He also climbs stairs, eats table foods, points, claps and is just amazing me at every turn!

I love being a mommy!

8 Month Update

Well, Levi hasn't taken those first steps yet, but I can't imagine it will be too much longer! He walks along furniture lickety-split and is standing without holding onto anything very well. He can even bend over and pick things up and go back to standing. All of the relatives were amazed when they saw him do this over the holidays.

Christmas went okay, everyone managed to behave! (We had some disagreements with the in-laws over how much time we could spend at each location on Christmas -imagine that) Levi's two teeth popped through the gums before the day arrived, but they were still bugging him so he was a little crabby, and overwhelmed with all the holiday hustle and bustle. I am hoping next year will be a little more enjoyable. It was hard with a baby to try to get all the shopping and wrapping and baking done. Which was very tough on me because I love doing all those things and like to relish in the time I spend doing them.

But, our little man got VERY spoiled with lots of toys from both sets of grandparents and all of his uncles and his aunt! Our living room looks like Toys'R"Us vomited in it! lol!

Levi has been having lots of fun with all these new toys. I think his favorite is a fisherprice fishbowl. But of course, he also loves to try to chew on the dog's toys too. There is just something so appealing about those dog toys. I just don't get it!

Even though he might prefer the dog's bones, we have been trying to get Levi to eat lots of new foods. Sometimes he gets stubborn and just wants to eat puffs instead of the purees, so in addition to the jarfood we have been trying to get him to eat small bits of our own dinner lately. Things he can pick up and put in his mouth himself. He does pretty well, but doesn't get very much. Most of it ends up in his seat :)

But all this talk about food has got me feeling hungry! I need to go find some food! More updates later!

♪♫ All Levi wants for Christmas are his two front teeth! ♪♪♫

Levi officially has his first tooth! The bottom left front tooth just started poking through the gums a couple days ago and I think the right will be following shortly. Maybe we'll have a little toothy grin for Christmas photos?!?

In other news, our silly little monkey is crawling and climbing everywhere! He can crawl, pull up to a stand, climb the stairs, all sorts of things. He is fast too. And in the last couple of days he has been attempting to stand without holding on to anything. This has led to a lot of bumps on the head and startled cries!

We have been slowly introducing more & more foods, this week he had a teething biscuit for the first time, and he LOVED it! Should I expect to have a little cookie monster on my hands? He also managed to get a couple puffs into his mouth too, but he is not so great at that coordination. Much better at the large motor skills!

I was worried that with him eating foods and being in motion constantly, Levi wouldn't keep up with an adequate weight gain (he's small to begin with and pureed veggies don't exactly have alot of calories!), but he gained over a pound and a half in the last month. He is now 17 lbs, 5 oz and 28" long.

6 months!

My little boy is getting soooo big!

Well, not literally, but he is learning really fast :)

He is actually only at the 16% for his weight(15lb, 10oz), but 69% for his height(27"). He is long and lean!!!

He is crawling all over the place, and pulling up on everything!
Only problem is, he doesn't know how to get back down! The poor little boy has had more spills than I can count!

Now, you'd think with how active he is, he would be tired at the end of the day... not so much. After sleeping throuh the night all of October, last month was a disaster! I hope December brings more silent nights!

Crawling & Croup!

Those are the two big things going on in our household these days.

Levi has finally figured out how to lift his hands and move forward! The baby safety gate for the top of the stairs has been ordered! It sure wasn't easy finding one that fit our obscurely sized stairway. I hope it works! We really didn't expect him to crawl this early! Over-acheiver! He is going to keep me on my toes, this little boy is!

We also found out croup is going around the daycare, and unfortunately, Levi is one of the lucky ones who have caught it. It has made for some sleepless nights, poor baby.