I have no ambition

or at least thats what my husband says.

He is not happy that I don't clean the house very much or that I don't take initiative to work out. He says I come up with excuses for everything. Like the fact that I have been telling him for months I want to sign back up for yoga and pilates classes, but I can't because he works all the time and that leaves me to take care of Levi. His response? Why do you have to spend money on a class? Why can't you go jogging or use the treadmill? Well, for one, there is still that whole TIME factor and for two, the treadmill we have is a hunk of junk he got for free from one of his friends. The track is horrible and feels like you are pushing it when you even walk quickly. Everyone has their own prefered methods of activity and things that motivate them. Doing a video in my living room or using the crappy treadmill are NOT good motivation. But these are just more excuses, right?

I have told him that I hate how he makes comments about my body and they are not usually compliments. He isn't downright insulting, but pretty much tells it how it is. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone to point it out. I need a husband who thinks I'm beautiful. Instead he says "well, you don't do anything to make yourself better" or something pretty damn close to that.

I try to eat somewhat healthy, I do my make-up and I try to dress nicely in things he likes. Apparently though, since I don't take the iniatiative to wake-up early or work out after Levi goes to bed (because those would be my only available times) I don't try.

I attempted to point out all the things that I do get done, all the keeping track of Levi's needs and doctors appts., making sure we don't run out of milk and laundry detergent, shopping for gifts - even when its his mother's birthday, planning events like Levi's bday party & baptism, taking the dog to the vet, you know. It all takes initiative. No one is there to tell me to do it. I just do.

Pretty sure it didn't make a difference, because when I asked him for a response, he wanted me to repeat myself and said he didn't remember what I said.

I went downstairs and cried myself to sleep after this argument. He slept on the couch and never came down. And he left the house this morning without waking me to say goodbye.

I feel like all he does is critisize me these days. Our relationship sucks. We have completely different priorities and we just aren't seeing eye-to-eye. Even if I found some way to keep the house clean and work-out without completely wearing myself out, I still don't think it would be enough.

Why is it, that no matter what stage of my life I am in, I always feel like nothing I do is ever enough? I felt that way growing up my whole life. I could never please my mother. And now I feel that way with my husband. The man who used to make me so happy.

The song on the left was the one we used for our first dance. We chose it because, well, it was true. We loved coming home to one another. It was what we each looked forward to everyday, coming home and spending time with each other and relaxing and dreaming about our future together.

Dh told me awhile back, that he doesn't look forward to coming home anymore.

I think my heart is breaking.