I've been tagged!

PerfectPeach challenged all the TTCAL nesties with blogs to complete this survey/quiz.
Happy reading!

i am: always trying to be a better person.
i think: that life isn't always fair or easy
i know: what I want
i want: to be happy
i have: an amazing husband, a cute puppy, loving family, a comfortable home and supportive friends (Amanda & Brandi - love you girls)
i wish: I could be confident in my future
i hate: that I fear things may go wrong
i miss: the loved ones that I have lost
i fear: aliens and escalators
i feel: content for the moment
i hear: dh mowing the lawn :)
i smell: the charcoal grill going on the deck
i crave: the burger and corn on the cob we are making for dinner
i search: the internet, i am a google junkie
i wonder: what our future children will be like
i regret: not having smiled more
i ache: when I think about the baby i lost
i care: more than people think
i always: try my best
i am not: a lier
i believe: in God the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; he descended to hell. The third day he rose again from the dead. He ascended to heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty. From there he will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.
i dance: when I am happy
i sing: loudly in the car on my way to work
i cry: when i feel alone
i don't always: want to get up in the mornings
i fight: very rarely
i write: pretty well, but i really don't enjoy it
i never: want to feel the pain of having a loved one be terminally ill
i stole: a pair of sunglasses once
i listen: when my friends need an ear
i need: to be comforted
i am happy about: having a 4 day weekend and taking a nap on the couch with dh today

BFP Potion

I haven't been on here in quite awhile, so I figured it's time to update.

The next chapter in my TTC saga is: TTC again! Yeah!

DH and I decided to go for it! I started charting this cycle and used OPKs, so I know I am 5dpo. I am really getting my hopes up that I will get a BFP and this time things will work out alright. I know I shouldn't be too hopeful, it's only my first cycle trying since the m/c - but I just can't help it! My fellow TTCAL nestie even send the BFP potion award my way.

For all you non-nesties out there reading - that means another girl who posts on the Nest websites Trying To Concieve After a Loss forum send me the link to add this cute little image of a potion bottle to my signature. We pass these awards around to whomever is the most deserving. So, apparently, Halsgal thinks I deserve to get that positive test! Thanks Halsgal!

Anyways, even if I don't get that bfp this cycle, I feel like I am learning more about my body and that will help alot. I also went in for my annual pap - 2 months early - so I could meet the new ob/gyn at my local clinic and talk to her about everything. She said she thinks I may have a mild case of PCOS, but isn't too concerned about it, and that if I am not KTFU by Jan/Feb to come back and see her! Lots of doctors say to wait a ful year before they will take any further action, so I am lucky she is pro-active.

Hopefully, I will be going back to see her much sooner than that tho - with a BFP!

Wish me luck!!!

Facebook status' p!ss me off today.

Argh! I am so ANGRY today! One of my bff's is about 10 weeks pregnant and her facebook status is frequently updated with negative comments about her pregnancy.

Here are a few:

______is feeling very pregnant today :-(.

______is excited for ______'s bachelorette party, to bad I'm preggers and can't drink :-(

______is not happy because DH said I definatly have a baby bump already!

I am sure she doesn't realize how distressing this could be for some to read, but seriously! It hurts that she expresses unhappiness with the fact that she feels pregnant and is getting a bump, when I want those things so badly!

Argh! Just had to vent...

To ttc or not to ttc. That is the question.

So, I know I said I was ready for some changes in my life, but I guess I wasn't specific enough...

DH all the sudden thinks he is going to get burnt out at his job, and he is envious of the fact that his brother makes so much money and has great benefits. Now Hubby thinks he wants to give his brother's career a try!

Well, his little bro is a lineman apprentice. He is working while training to become a full-fledged lineman. Those are the guys who work on powerlines. He makes more money than DH and I put together and gets like an automatic 25% put into retirement fund. But he also has a very dangerous job and he has to live wherever work is during the week. He only is home like 1-2 days a each weekend when he chooses to drive home. Plus its dangerous! And the people are not exactly the wholesome devoted husbands and father-types that I want my DH to be influence by every day.

Before this whole scenerio came up, I thought we basically had figured out what to do for our "TTC game plan". We were going to take a break for a while and start trying again in January to see if we could time a fall/winter baby again. The reasoning behind this is that since DH works seasonal he wouldn't be able to be as supportive or involved if we had a child in the busy summer months. So why not take advantage of the fact that he is home for 4 months during the winter? But if I didn't get pg during the prime window, we weren't going to stop ttc and wait again, just keep trying til it happened!

But now I am torn. On one hand, if he switches careers and isn't home in the winters, why wait? We could try again right away. On the other hand if he starts a job where he is never home, should we wait indefinitly to ttc? DH says he want to do this for like 2-3 years until the apprenticeship is up and then try to get a full-time job with a local electric company, so he can work normal hours and be home every night.

Neither of us really know what to do right now, and I know that I am not going to get my ideal situation no matter what. Either I will spend a couple years with my child not having the support from DH that I want, or I have to wait a few years, and that makes me really sad to think about too.

Life just sucks sometimes

So, an update on that friend who has not returned my attempts to contact her. A briefing for those who don't know whats going on: I have this friend, who has also been ttc for about the same time as us. When I told her that DH and I were expecting, she didn't act excited at all. The next 3 weeks, I tried to call, im, and text and she never responded. I didn't understand why, and then I m/c and it was all I could do to get through that and I couldn't emotionally handle anymore. She found out through mutual friends that I had a m/c, and never called emailed or anything.

So I thought, well, maybe there is more going on than just her finals distracting her. Who knows, maybe she even has m/c before and never told me? I didn't know, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not just think she plain old didn't care.

I started out right away by asking her if there had been anything else going on in her life that she hadn't shared with me... she responded yes... you aren't supposed to know yet... I'm pregnant!

Not what I expected her to say at all.

After I congratulated her and we talked a little bit about her news, I explained why I asked the question, that I felt like she wasn't happy when I told her I was pg, and didn't understand why she never responded when I tried to contact her, and then after she heard about the m/c, why she never called or emailed or anything.

Her response was: She said she was very surprised when we told her our news because she didn't really think I was that serious when we talked about ttc (even though I told her I was worried about my crazy cycles, that I bought a CBEFM, shared with her about the dollar tree hpts, we even talked about how waiting to test sucked...)

As to why she never responded to my attempts to get in touch with her during the next few weeks, she said she was just busy with school and didn't really talk to any of her friends outside of class.

And then, when she found out about my m/c she simply said she didn't know what to say.

So basically, she was too busy with everything going on in her life to have time for a friend going thru hell. I have learned not to expect any support from her.

Plus, I listenend for the rest of our time together all about her symptoms, appointments and such. All while thinking, that we should have had babies 8 weeks apart, and how much fun it would have been to be pg together. Thinking that there were really 3 of us there, and should have been 4. But while she was glowing and excited, I just felt empty and alone.

And to top it off, when I went home and cried to my husband - he just told me I should be happy for her, and not to worry we'll get pg again. Seriously, shouldn't he know what not to say by now?!

Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

Yesterday, someone of the nest was kind enough to share the beautiful ornament they got. I just absolutly loved it and had to go out after work yesterday and get my own.

http://www.hallmark.com/online/in-stores/keepsake-ornaments/2010/ornament-detail/?id=mtel_qxg7486



I am going to put in a shadow box and hang it on the wall.

The upstairs bathroom is all done up with caribbean teal walls and seashell accents. I already have 2 shadow boxes, one with shells ans coral and one with sand and a sand dollar. I wanted a third, but didn't know what to put in it... funny how things work isn't it?

It will be perfect there, even DH likes it. He liked the fact that even though it is pretty for anyone to look at, it will kind of be a secret memorial for us.

and I smiled

Yesterday, right before I left work, I go an e-mail from one of my BFP buddies. She finally got her BFP! Considering how upset I have been and the anger I have felt, I never expected to have to have the reaction I did...

I gasped... and I smiled! The moment I realized I smiled, it hit me - I was happy for her, genuinely happy! The sadness I have grown accustomed to feeling anytime anyone talks baby or I see a pg woman, the waves of memories of my m/c - none of those immediately hit me!

I am just ecstatic, both because I am happy for her (congrats bluepalm!) and also because I feel like I have reached a new point in healing. 

I called up DH right away and told him (he asks occasionally about 'my girls online') and he was so proud of me. He told me I was coping much better than he expected, and was wondering when I would be happy [about babies] again.

Yea!