Fresh start in 2011

December was a long and challenging month, coping with another loss, struggling with the typical holiday chaos and also being sick with MONO! Ugh. I still am not a 100% healthy and thats very frusterating.

However, with the new year has come a fresh cycle and time to TTC again!

I found out on New Years Eve that one of my BFF's is expecting and I am so unbelievable ecstatic for her! I am hoping I will get lucky and get my sticky baby soon so we can be pregnant together :)

Looking forward to what the year has to offer - and praying its all good stuff!!!

Happy New Year!

Just not meant to be

Well, I asked my doctor if I could go in for betas to make sure my HCG was rising and doubling at the appropriate rate of every 48-72 hours. I figured that would help me shake off some of the uneasiness I have been feeling this week.

Instead, it did the opposite.

Betas were NOT good. They were no where near double on the second draw and then started dropping. Chemical pregnancy :(

Monday, 12dpo: 40
Wednesday, 14dpo: 50
Friday, 16dpo: 36

I guess I wasn't really surprised. Its crazy how accurate my "gut feeling" has proven to be. But it still makes me sad.

I am waiting for my period to show any day now. And we'll give it a try again next cycle. I'm grateful I found out early this time, and didn't go walking around thinking I was pregnant for a whole 'nother month like my first miscarriage.

I laid down on the couch with Levi during his naptime yesterday and just held him close and cuddled with him for a couple hours. Nothing better for an aching heart than that!

Well, that was just TOO easy

After just a single cycle of ttc, we already have our BFP!

I am feeling very ambivalent about this. Of course I am excited, but that is being overshadowed by my self doubt. I am feeling very uneasy about this.

Maybe because it happened so quickly and easily? I felt this way about my first pregnancy too - and that sure didn't end well. It just seems like if that process was simple, something else is going to have to be complicated to balance things out.

I want to have the milewide smile on my face - the kind that lasts and can't be wiped off - like I had with Levi's bfp.

But like I said, something just doesn't feel right, and I am terrified of what might go wrong...

Testing tomorrow!!!

I am going to poas tomorrow morning and I am really nervous. I have cold feet. I wholeheartedly and excitedly started ttc this month, but now I am nervous and almost afraid of a bfp.

I am not sure if maybe this is because this has been a horrible week and I am so overwhelmed and feel like I am spread so thin as it is. Levi was sick with a stomach bug, work has been really busy and we found out our mortgage is going up significantly because our property taxes DOUBLED.

But then maybe I am feeling this way because I just don't know if I am ready to have a second child already . Maybe we should have waited a couple more months... and then I feel guilty for having all of these feelings. I don't want to feel this way and then get a bfp and have something go wrong.

Idk, the whole thing just doesn't feel right, right now.

It's that time again!!!

Dh and I are officially starting to TTC a sibling for Levi!

Since we are not telling people irl, I just had to share this somewhere ;)

We are very excited and hopeful it will be a smoother process then last time.

Since Levi has been born, my cycles have actually regulated themselves and are pretty predictable, so I think it should be easier. Aside from our loss, the biggest obstacle last go-round was timing with my unpredictable and extremely long cycles.

It's still a little scary, because I never want to go through the pain of miscarriage again, but I am trying hard to remain hopeful and positive and have fun with it!

Wish us luck!

Video monitor review

A while back my video monitor quit working and I needed a new one.

I got the new Summer Infant Best View monitor because it had a bigger screen and you could pan around the room (helpful for later when ds is in a toddler bed), but I wasn't sure if I liked it because of the quality of the video amongst other things.

I finally decided to go ahead and buy the older version - the Summer Infant Day&Night monitor - again instead.

I am SO HAPPY I decided to do this! I love being able to see my little man again! Its so cute to watch him sleep for a minute or two before i go to bed at night, and he was just a blur with the Best View.

Here is is photo of the quality of the picture in both monitors:

Product Rave - Nuk Scoopin' Spoons

These spoons are AWESOME! Levi can actually get food onto the spoon, and it will (mostly) stay there until he gets it in his mouth! All the other ones we've tried he will hold sideways, or even upside down and the food falls right off.

http://www.diapers.com/product/productdetail.aspx?productid=25772