Can I cry and scream at the same time?

One of my close co-workers had a baby (well, his wife did) tuesday early am, and he came into the office today for the first time since then.

I had tears streaming down my face while I sat at my desk (in the cube directly across from his) pretending to work, but really listening to him talk to every single other person in the building who stopped by his desk to ask about his baby.

I am bitter because his baby was unplanned. Yet here I am; tried and failed – and miserable. Thinking all about how unfair life is. Thinking about how we were going to start telling all our friends and family this weekend. Thinking about how I am supposed to be happy when I hear stories about his baby, smile and think about the one I had growing in me.

I avoided him the rest of the time he was here. I don't know how to act 'normal'. I want to be a good friend, but it seems so forced and fake to pretend it doesn't hurt.

My posts are turning into blog entries

Today, I realized that I usually write out all my feelings in my posts on the nest, so I have started to apple-c, apple-v them onto here, with a little editing of course.

I have been analyzing so much lately, and I wonder sometimes if I am just trying too hard to understand something that really has less meaning than I am giving it credit for.

I think dh just isn't holding this whole situation as heavily as I am. To him, yes it's sad, but we'll try again and even though the m/c has lengthened the time in which we'll have a baby, we'll get there. For me, its catastrophic(sp?). Even though I wasn't very far along, I physically, emotionally and mentally felt different. It was a dream and happiness I had always wanted, just to be suddenly ripped away. And in its place comes uncertainty, fear and this horrible emptyness. I am missing a person I never met.

I know it will get easier as time goes by, but I think it will be tough until we have a successful pregnancy. I felt this way with boyfriends when I was younger too. I never seemed to move forward until I got a new one, even though I wouldn't forget the memories of the last. Bittersweet, isn't it?

Everyday I focus on a different element of life that has to do with losing this baby, different things bother me at different times. I am trying to find little things that I can accomplish to make life easier, instead of trying to fix everything at once.

Last night I told my mom. I didn't really know how to share it with her and was dreading doing it, but it felt good to not worry about her reaction and feel bad for hiding things anymore.

I think tonight I might call that friend. Then I don't have to keep worrying about it. Hopefully she answers.

One step at a time right?

Miscarriage in a bottle

I am starting to be able to function a little better, but its still hard - I feel like I have this huge, sad secret rolled up in a bottle and when I try to throw it farther from shore, it just keeps floating back to me.

It has been very tough trying to deal with this while feeling so alone.

My husband is trying, but doesn't really get it. He really just looks at everything as a TTC hurdle and not as a loss. He also works ALOT, (he didn't even make it to the ER until I'd been there alone for 4 hours night of the m/c - he was an hour away at work, but chose to finish out the day and do an errand for his boss, and go home to change out of work clothes before he came) so he is never really home, and when he is sometimes I just want to be held and try to forget everything and be comfortable for a while, so when I accused him of not understanding or listening to me, he tells me that he'll listen if I talk! Its just a mess.

In addition to that, one of my bff's hasn't spoken to me since I shared my bfp with her. I have tried to IM her, but she mysteriously logs off every time I try to send her a message - but wait - she's still online on Facebook...

The icing on the cake today: My close co-worker's wife just had a baby this morning too, so the office is abuzz with baby talk. And of course, since my cube is right across from his and we are so close - everybody is coming in and asking me about it! So here I sit, trying to be smiley and happy all day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am really happy for him, but that doesn't mean I want to think and talk about babies all day long! A constant reminder of what I am trying to file away so I can return to a normal functioning me!

Small pieces of happiness

Ok, so I read a post on the nest mc/pgl board yesterday, I got completely nuerotic, because I didn't know anything about the rh factor and had no clue if I'd ever been tested for it.

Called my doctor today and asked her a few questions - I am rh positive - yeah! That is the highlight of my week!

Also, there is no mention of blighted ovum in my report from the u/s tech :)

I don't necessarily know if that part is good or bad medically, but it made me kinda happy. Even though I firmly believe that if you are pregnant, then you are pregnant - there is no such thing as "kinda pregnant" or different levels of how pregnant you are. Either you are or you aren't.

But my husband keeps talking about how there wasn't really a baby. I know he is trying to make light of a heavy situation, but it made me feel worse instead of better and it helps me to think that there could have been something in there for those 4 1/2 weeks we celebrated.

I feel like a zombie

Going back to work has been really sucky. The worst part is that since I have managed to answered people's "how are you doing?" questions with an automated "good." or "fine." They all seem to think that I am handling things so well, and everything is all back to normal. I feel so fake. and my productivity is ridiculously low.

My husband wants me to go out and see friends this weekend. I don't want to go. I don't want to pretend like nothings happened and plaster a fake smile on my face.

He also had the nerve yesterday to ask me not to 'freak out' on anybody if they ask me how I am doing. I told him how upset I was that his bro thought I was doing so well, and he interpreted that as a warning that I might over-react to other peoples inquiries.

I was so mad. I mean, I love my hubby and he is trying so hard to understand how I feel, but seriously, maybe he could be a little more considerate, and think that perhaps I have the right to react to life's situations? And perhaps he could have talked to me and found out what level of comfort I have and then inform his friends what to/not to say? Instead of asking me not to freakout?



Why does this all have to be so tough?

And then to make matters even better, this morning my co-worker asked me to do him a favor and fix his ball cap so that it fit better. After I finish hand stitching a couple darts in it, another co-worker of ours commented that she didn't know I could sew. I jokingly answered back that I am a woman of many talents, to which the first guy says "You're going to make such a great mom". It was all i could do, not to cry.

Trying to gain hope...

This is my first ever attempt at blogging, and I am not really sure if anyone will read it, but then again that isn't my purpose.

I am hoping this will be therapeutic for me. I have been reading alot of other peoples blogs, and they seem to help, so here goes nothing...

My husband and I have been TTC since January, and were soooo excited when I finally got a BFP on May 18th.

We had a wonderful, yet nervous 4 weeks celebrating our upcoming arrival, when on Friday, June 13th, I left work early when the brown spotting I had been having turned into a bright red flow. Drove straight to the ER - that was the worst commute ever.

Four hours, one urine sample, four tubes of blood, an internal exam, and four ultrasounds later, I got the news no expectant mother should ever have to hear: I was miscarrying.

Dh was working out of town and barely got there as the doctor was telling me the news. She said there wasn't really any way to tell why it happened, and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but that still doesn't make me feel better.

I cramps off and on that day and light brown spotting, but no other symptoms. The ultra sound revealed that I was only dated at around 5-ish weeks. So it took 3-4 more weeks for the bleeding to start.

My first appt wasnt for 10 more days...

I am trying to figure out how I feel and how to handle all of this. I am mostly just sad and afraid. Sad because this amazing gift that I wanted so badly was taken away from me, and scared because I don't know what the future brings or if I will ever be able to become a mother.

My BIL was telling me how great I am handling things. I just wanted to scream at him and tell him I am not! That I want to cry every minute all day long and how horrible it is to know that a dream that I have hoped for for so long has been ripped away from me and how afraid I am that things will never be right again.

In the meantime, I am just glad that I have my wonderful husband to come home to! He really is my strength and I am so grateful to know that even though I have lost a small piece of my heart with this baby, the rest is safe with him.