Life just sucks sometimes

So, an update on that friend who has not returned my attempts to contact her. A briefing for those who don't know whats going on: I have this friend, who has also been ttc for about the same time as us. When I told her that DH and I were expecting, she didn't act excited at all. The next 3 weeks, I tried to call, im, and text and she never responded. I didn't understand why, and then I m/c and it was all I could do to get through that and I couldn't emotionally handle anymore. She found out through mutual friends that I had a m/c, and never called emailed or anything.

So I thought, well, maybe there is more going on than just her finals distracting her. Who knows, maybe she even has m/c before and never told me? I didn't know, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not just think she plain old didn't care.

I started out right away by asking her if there had been anything else going on in her life that she hadn't shared with me... she responded yes... you aren't supposed to know yet... I'm pregnant!

Not what I expected her to say at all.

After I congratulated her and we talked a little bit about her news, I explained why I asked the question, that I felt like she wasn't happy when I told her I was pg, and didn't understand why she never responded when I tried to contact her, and then after she heard about the m/c, why she never called or emailed or anything.

Her response was: She said she was very surprised when we told her our news because she didn't really think I was that serious when we talked about ttc (even though I told her I was worried about my crazy cycles, that I bought a CBEFM, shared with her about the dollar tree hpts, we even talked about how waiting to test sucked...)

As to why she never responded to my attempts to get in touch with her during the next few weeks, she said she was just busy with school and didn't really talk to any of her friends outside of class.

And then, when she found out about my m/c she simply said she didn't know what to say.

So basically, she was too busy with everything going on in her life to have time for a friend going thru hell. I have learned not to expect any support from her.

Plus, I listenend for the rest of our time together all about her symptoms, appointments and such. All while thinking, that we should have had babies 8 weeks apart, and how much fun it would have been to be pg together. Thinking that there were really 3 of us there, and should have been 4. But while she was glowing and excited, I just felt empty and alone.

And to top it off, when I went home and cried to my husband - he just told me I should be happy for her, and not to worry we'll get pg again. Seriously, shouldn't he know what not to say by now?!

Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

Yesterday, someone of the nest was kind enough to share the beautiful ornament they got. I just absolutly loved it and had to go out after work yesterday and get my own.

http://www.hallmark.com/online/in-stores/keepsake-ornaments/2010/ornament-detail/?id=mtel_qxg7486



I am going to put in a shadow box and hang it on the wall.

The upstairs bathroom is all done up with caribbean teal walls and seashell accents. I already have 2 shadow boxes, one with shells ans coral and one with sand and a sand dollar. I wanted a third, but didn't know what to put in it... funny how things work isn't it?

It will be perfect there, even DH likes it. He liked the fact that even though it is pretty for anyone to look at, it will kind of be a secret memorial for us.

and I smiled

Yesterday, right before I left work, I go an e-mail from one of my BFP buddies. She finally got her BFP! Considering how upset I have been and the anger I have felt, I never expected to have to have the reaction I did...

I gasped... and I smiled! The moment I realized I smiled, it hit me - I was happy for her, genuinely happy! The sadness I have grown accustomed to feeling anytime anyone talks baby or I see a pg woman, the waves of memories of my m/c - none of those immediately hit me!

I am just ecstatic, both because I am happy for her (congrats bluepalm!) and also because I feel like I have reached a new point in healing. 

I called up DH right away and told him (he asks occasionally about 'my girls online') and he was so proud of me. He told me I was coping much better than he expected, and was wondering when I would be happy [about babies] again.

Yea!

Found words

Today, instead of trying to express myself through my own words, I thought I'd find some others who share the same feelings. I came across this website:

http://www.honoredbabies.org/writing-center/poetry

There were tons of different poems written by different people who all had different experiences with miscarriage. This is one that I really related to:


Thoughts For The Child I Lost
by "Sis"


There might come a day sometime in the future
When I don’t think about you constantly,
Wonder what you would have looked like,
What color your hair would have been,
And how your smile might have looked.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I won’t wonder what I did wrong.
When I won’t blame myself.
When the sharp blade of pain will become dull.
When I can accept this as meant to be.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I carry another child
And though I will love him beyond measure
And though I will hold him a little tighter,
And though he will be my child,
He won’t be you.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at a baby without aching for you.
But it won’t be today.

Newborn at the office

Ahhh! My main cause of distress the past 4 weeks has been the fact that one of my very close co-workers had a baby 11 days after my m/c.

I have managed not to get emotional or angry when everyone talks about his new little one, even though I also haven't been really cheerful or supportive to him either. But now today he told me his wife is coming to the office to show off the little tyke tommorrow!

I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Seriously, I am so tired of pretending to be happy when everybody talks about his baby I could puke.

How is it that I can want a baby and miss the one I had growing in me so much, and at the same time want to avoid anything and everything baby and pregnancy related?

Frusterating! I was super excited about his new arrival until I m/c, and used to ask him questions all the time, now I just pretend like he never had a baby, because talking bout his makes me want to cry.

I don't know what to do. Part of me want to just leave and avoid the whole situation altogether, but then I don't really want to be mean, or draw attention to myself either.

Why does this have to be so hard?

4th of July

I decided that I needed something to look forward to, and just plain needed to get away. So last week my sister and I planned a random camping trip to Mackinac, MI. I was very excited to go and had a great time for the first 2 days. The weather was gorgeous, and it was so nice to just forget about everything going on for awhile.

Then, stupid me, I decided to tell my sister about the going-ons of the last 2 months. I didn't tell her at first, because I thought she wouldn't be mature enough to handle it (she is only 20, and definitly still in college student, life is fun and I don't have to do anything I don't want to, mode)but then I decided that it might be less complicated if I told her now instead of her finding out somehow later and being upset that I hadn't told her.

Big mistake. Should have stuck to my original thought.

Her response "Don't tell me that! I want to have kids of my own someday and I am tired of hearing about losing babies. I already have messed up periods and am worried about it as it is."Or something very close. I don't remember the rest exactly after the don't-tell-me-that part.

I pretty much shut down after that. The rest of the trip I was on auto-mode. I still can't even believe she said that. What a sweet, sensitive and supportive sister I have.

The topper on the cake: when I asked her nicely to keep the news to herself, she joked "Oh, too late, I already texted G'ma!" (our g'ma tells everybody everything) Ha. ha. Real funny.