Just not meant to be

Well, I asked my doctor if I could go in for betas to make sure my HCG was rising and doubling at the appropriate rate of every 48-72 hours. I figured that would help me shake off some of the uneasiness I have been feeling this week.

Instead, it did the opposite.

Betas were NOT good. They were no where near double on the second draw and then started dropping. Chemical pregnancy :(

Monday, 12dpo: 40
Wednesday, 14dpo: 50
Friday, 16dpo: 36

I guess I wasn't really surprised. Its crazy how accurate my "gut feeling" has proven to be. But it still makes me sad.

I am waiting for my period to show any day now. And we'll give it a try again next cycle. I'm grateful I found out early this time, and didn't go walking around thinking I was pregnant for a whole 'nother month like my first miscarriage.

I laid down on the couch with Levi during his naptime yesterday and just held him close and cuddled with him for a couple hours. Nothing better for an aching heart than that!

Well, that was just TOO easy

After just a single cycle of ttc, we already have our BFP!

I am feeling very ambivalent about this. Of course I am excited, but that is being overshadowed by my self doubt. I am feeling very uneasy about this.

Maybe because it happened so quickly and easily? I felt this way about my first pregnancy too - and that sure didn't end well. It just seems like if that process was simple, something else is going to have to be complicated to balance things out.

I want to have the milewide smile on my face - the kind that lasts and can't be wiped off - like I had with Levi's bfp.

But like I said, something just doesn't feel right, and I am terrified of what might go wrong...

Testing tomorrow!!!

I am going to poas tomorrow morning and I am really nervous. I have cold feet. I wholeheartedly and excitedly started ttc this month, but now I am nervous and almost afraid of a bfp.

I am not sure if maybe this is because this has been a horrible week and I am so overwhelmed and feel like I am spread so thin as it is. Levi was sick with a stomach bug, work has been really busy and we found out our mortgage is going up significantly because our property taxes DOUBLED.

But then maybe I am feeling this way because I just don't know if I am ready to have a second child already . Maybe we should have waited a couple more months... and then I feel guilty for having all of these feelings. I don't want to feel this way and then get a bfp and have something go wrong.

Idk, the whole thing just doesn't feel right, right now.

It's that time again!!!

Dh and I are officially starting to TTC a sibling for Levi!

Since we are not telling people irl, I just had to share this somewhere ;)

We are very excited and hopeful it will be a smoother process then last time.

Since Levi has been born, my cycles have actually regulated themselves and are pretty predictable, so I think it should be easier. Aside from our loss, the biggest obstacle last go-round was timing with my unpredictable and extremely long cycles.

It's still a little scary, because I never want to go through the pain of miscarriage again, but I am trying hard to remain hopeful and positive and have fun with it!

Wish us luck!

Video monitor review

A while back my video monitor quit working and I needed a new one.

I got the new Summer Infant Best View monitor because it had a bigger screen and you could pan around the room (helpful for later when ds is in a toddler bed), but I wasn't sure if I liked it because of the quality of the video amongst other things.

I finally decided to go ahead and buy the older version - the Summer Infant Day&Night monitor - again instead.

I am SO HAPPY I decided to do this! I love being able to see my little man again! Its so cute to watch him sleep for a minute or two before i go to bed at night, and he was just a blur with the Best View.

Here is is photo of the quality of the picture in both monitors:

Product Rave - Nuk Scoopin' Spoons

These spoons are AWESOME! Levi can actually get food onto the spoon, and it will (mostly) stay there until he gets it in his mouth! All the other ones we've tried he will hold sideways, or even upside down and the food falls right off.

http://www.diapers.com/product/productdetail.aspx?productid=25772

An update...

DH did apologize to me when he came home Saturday morning. I appreciated the gesture but I don't think he really knew why he was apologizing, and he made more similar comments throughout the weekend. We didn't have a chance to sit down and talk about it, since we had to go to a 1st bday party that afternoon, and I was at a bachelorette that evening, and then Levi was baptized on Sunday and so we had company over all day.

I have been thinking about everything alot the last few days, and I think dh is just overwhelmed...

In the summer dh works a fulltime job and then does landscaping side jobs on many evenings and weekends. This is always dependant on the weather, the homeowners schedule, etc, etc. so I can't really plan anything routinely unless its during the winter months. And he is on-call one week a month.

Besides the fulltime job and side jobs, he does all the yardwork and outdoor stuff and usually does his own laundry and the dishes. He will vacuum and help pick up if we have company coming over.

His biggest issue I think, is that he does sooooo much he is just spread really thin, and feels alot of guilt himself for not getting everything done he wants to. Plus, he underestimates the amount of time things take, and get angry when he doesn't get enough "checked off his list". Oh, and he thinks 6-7 hours of sleep a night is plenty and 8 is really great and its nice to get that much on a weekend to catch-up. Sometimes he has a really tough time playing with Levi, because he isn't "getting anything done".

I on the otherhand, try not to overwhelm myself with goals that are unreasonable, and I always try to schedule more time than I need for any given chore, because I know things always happen! I definitely don't put the same amount of pressure on myself that he does, and I try to encourage him to slow down and enjoy life a little...

Hopefully we will get a chance to talk tonight after Levi goes to bed!

I have no ambition

or at least thats what my husband says.

He is not happy that I don't clean the house very much or that I don't take initiative to work out. He says I come up with excuses for everything. Like the fact that I have been telling him for months I want to sign back up for yoga and pilates classes, but I can't because he works all the time and that leaves me to take care of Levi. His response? Why do you have to spend money on a class? Why can't you go jogging or use the treadmill? Well, for one, there is still that whole TIME factor and for two, the treadmill we have is a hunk of junk he got for free from one of his friends. The track is horrible and feels like you are pushing it when you even walk quickly. Everyone has their own prefered methods of activity and things that motivate them. Doing a video in my living room or using the crappy treadmill are NOT good motivation. But these are just more excuses, right?

I have told him that I hate how he makes comments about my body and they are not usually compliments. He isn't downright insulting, but pretty much tells it how it is. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone to point it out. I need a husband who thinks I'm beautiful. Instead he says "well, you don't do anything to make yourself better" or something pretty damn close to that.

I try to eat somewhat healthy, I do my make-up and I try to dress nicely in things he likes. Apparently though, since I don't take the iniatiative to wake-up early or work out after Levi goes to bed (because those would be my only available times) I don't try.

I attempted to point out all the things that I do get done, all the keeping track of Levi's needs and doctors appts., making sure we don't run out of milk and laundry detergent, shopping for gifts - even when its his mother's birthday, planning events like Levi's bday party & baptism, taking the dog to the vet, you know. It all takes initiative. No one is there to tell me to do it. I just do.

Pretty sure it didn't make a difference, because when I asked him for a response, he wanted me to repeat myself and said he didn't remember what I said.

I went downstairs and cried myself to sleep after this argument. He slept on the couch and never came down. And he left the house this morning without waking me to say goodbye.

I feel like all he does is critisize me these days. Our relationship sucks. We have completely different priorities and we just aren't seeing eye-to-eye. Even if I found some way to keep the house clean and work-out without completely wearing myself out, I still don't think it would be enough.

Why is it, that no matter what stage of my life I am in, I always feel like nothing I do is ever enough? I felt that way growing up my whole life. I could never please my mother. And now I feel that way with my husband. The man who used to make me so happy.

The song on the left was the one we used for our first dance. We chose it because, well, it was true. We loved coming home to one another. It was what we each looked forward to everyday, coming home and spending time with each other and relaxing and dreaming about our future together.

Dh told me awhile back, that he doesn't look forward to coming home anymore.

I think my heart is breaking.

Fingers crossed! (work related)

I just sent the first draft of a 36 page magazine out for review. Deep breathe.

The non-profit I work for is helping out another non-profit, by volunteering some of our time to help them with their marketing.

They gave me a cd with a bunch of word documents and web-quality images and I was told to make their magazine. No direction, no template, no pagination, nothing.

Ack! It has been an immensely overwhelming project, and it is such a relief to be as far as I am, but I am still nervous.

Fingers crossed they like it!

Almost a year old!

Yep, I still haven't gotten any better at posting!

Levi is almost a year old now and he is turning into quite the little toddler! I sit back and watch him some days and can barely believe that my little baby is growing so fast!

He started taking steps just after he turned 9 months, and was really walking a few weeks later. Now he practically runs sometimes! He also climbs stairs, eats table foods, points, claps and is just amazing me at every turn!

I love being a mommy!

8 Month Update

Well, Levi hasn't taken those first steps yet, but I can't imagine it will be too much longer! He walks along furniture lickety-split and is standing without holding onto anything very well. He can even bend over and pick things up and go back to standing. All of the relatives were amazed when they saw him do this over the holidays.

Christmas went okay, everyone managed to behave! (We had some disagreements with the in-laws over how much time we could spend at each location on Christmas -imagine that) Levi's two teeth popped through the gums before the day arrived, but they were still bugging him so he was a little crabby, and overwhelmed with all the holiday hustle and bustle. I am hoping next year will be a little more enjoyable. It was hard with a baby to try to get all the shopping and wrapping and baking done. Which was very tough on me because I love doing all those things and like to relish in the time I spend doing them.

But, our little man got VERY spoiled with lots of toys from both sets of grandparents and all of his uncles and his aunt! Our living room looks like Toys'R"Us vomited in it! lol!

Levi has been having lots of fun with all these new toys. I think his favorite is a fisherprice fishbowl. But of course, he also loves to try to chew on the dog's toys too. There is just something so appealing about those dog toys. I just don't get it!

Even though he might prefer the dog's bones, we have been trying to get Levi to eat lots of new foods. Sometimes he gets stubborn and just wants to eat puffs instead of the purees, so in addition to the jarfood we have been trying to get him to eat small bits of our own dinner lately. Things he can pick up and put in his mouth himself. He does pretty well, but doesn't get very much. Most of it ends up in his seat :)

But all this talk about food has got me feeling hungry! I need to go find some food! More updates later!