Just not meant to be

Well, I asked my doctor if I could go in for betas to make sure my HCG was rising and doubling at the appropriate rate of every 48-72 hours. I figured that would help me shake off some of the uneasiness I have been feeling this week.

Instead, it did the opposite.

Betas were NOT good. They were no where near double on the second draw and then started dropping. Chemical pregnancy :(

Monday, 12dpo: 40
Wednesday, 14dpo: 50
Friday, 16dpo: 36

I guess I wasn't really surprised. Its crazy how accurate my "gut feeling" has proven to be. But it still makes me sad.

I am waiting for my period to show any day now. And we'll give it a try again next cycle. I'm grateful I found out early this time, and didn't go walking around thinking I was pregnant for a whole 'nother month like my first miscarriage.

I laid down on the couch with Levi during his naptime yesterday and just held him close and cuddled with him for a couple hours. Nothing better for an aching heart than that!

Well, that was just TOO easy

After just a single cycle of ttc, we already have our BFP!

I am feeling very ambivalent about this. Of course I am excited, but that is being overshadowed by my self doubt. I am feeling very uneasy about this.

Maybe because it happened so quickly and easily? I felt this way about my first pregnancy too - and that sure didn't end well. It just seems like if that process was simple, something else is going to have to be complicated to balance things out.

I want to have the milewide smile on my face - the kind that lasts and can't be wiped off - like I had with Levi's bfp.

But like I said, something just doesn't feel right, and I am terrified of what might go wrong...

Testing tomorrow!!!

I am going to poas tomorrow morning and I am really nervous. I have cold feet. I wholeheartedly and excitedly started ttc this month, but now I am nervous and almost afraid of a bfp.

I am not sure if maybe this is because this has been a horrible week and I am so overwhelmed and feel like I am spread so thin as it is. Levi was sick with a stomach bug, work has been really busy and we found out our mortgage is going up significantly because our property taxes DOUBLED.

But then maybe I am feeling this way because I just don't know if I am ready to have a second child already . Maybe we should have waited a couple more months... and then I feel guilty for having all of these feelings. I don't want to feel this way and then get a bfp and have something go wrong.

Idk, the whole thing just doesn't feel right, right now.

It's that time again!!!

Dh and I are officially starting to TTC a sibling for Levi!

Since we are not telling people irl, I just had to share this somewhere ;)

We are very excited and hopeful it will be a smoother process then last time.

Since Levi has been born, my cycles have actually regulated themselves and are pretty predictable, so I think it should be easier. Aside from our loss, the biggest obstacle last go-round was timing with my unpredictable and extremely long cycles.

It's still a little scary, because I never want to go through the pain of miscarriage again, but I am trying hard to remain hopeful and positive and have fun with it!

Wish us luck!