Trying to gain hope...

This is my first ever attempt at blogging, and I am not really sure if anyone will read it, but then again that isn't my purpose.

I am hoping this will be therapeutic for me. I have been reading alot of other peoples blogs, and they seem to help, so here goes nothing...

My husband and I have been TTC since January, and were soooo excited when I finally got a BFP on May 18th.

We had a wonderful, yet nervous 4 weeks celebrating our upcoming arrival, when on Friday, June 13th, I left work early when the brown spotting I had been having turned into a bright red flow. Drove straight to the ER - that was the worst commute ever.

Four hours, one urine sample, four tubes of blood, an internal exam, and four ultrasounds later, I got the news no expectant mother should ever have to hear: I was miscarrying.

Dh was working out of town and barely got there as the doctor was telling me the news. She said there wasn't really any way to tell why it happened, and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but that still doesn't make me feel better.

I cramps off and on that day and light brown spotting, but no other symptoms. The ultra sound revealed that I was only dated at around 5-ish weeks. So it took 3-4 more weeks for the bleeding to start.

My first appt wasnt for 10 more days...

I am trying to figure out how I feel and how to handle all of this. I am mostly just sad and afraid. Sad because this amazing gift that I wanted so badly was taken away from me, and scared because I don't know what the future brings or if I will ever be able to become a mother.

My BIL was telling me how great I am handling things. I just wanted to scream at him and tell him I am not! That I want to cry every minute all day long and how horrible it is to know that a dream that I have hoped for for so long has been ripped away from me and how afraid I am that things will never be right again.

In the meantime, I am just glad that I have my wonderful husband to come home to! He really is my strength and I am so grateful to know that even though I have lost a small piece of my heart with this baby, the rest is safe with him.