Big U/S update!

Yay!

We had our 20-week ultrasound on Christmas Eve morning, and got some cute new photos to share with the family at all the get-to-gethers the next couple days.


We have a thumb-sucker!


Little feet :)

The ultrasound went great! Everything is just as it should be, no red flags. Baby weighs approx. 11 oz. and was measuring 2 days ahead of schedule. We were able to see the little one start sucking his thumb, and watched as he pulled it out of his mouth. That was so cute, because you could actually see his little upper lip flip upwards as he pulled his thumb out.

And he is a BOY!

Hubby is so proud!

We are very happy to know the gender because neither dh or I liked calling our baby "it" so now we can refer to him as a he, or by his name, which we are pretty sure will be: Levi Carter :)

Made announcement at the office!

We had our company Christmas party on Friday and I was in charge of decorating. I asked one of my co-workers to help and we came up with some great ideas. The party was being held in part of the warehouse so we were going to be in a large dingy room with florescent lights, high ceilings and white scuffed up walls. In order to make the setting a little warmer and more inviting, we strung up white Christmas lights in green gossimer. Then to decorate the walls we hung up stockings for each person there.

Here is where the fun part comes in... I sent out an email survey to gather some "fun facts" about each employee, and we wrote one fact for each person on the stockings hanging on the wall - everyone had to guess what fact belonged to which co-worker! We even had prizes for the people who got the most right answers.

Can you guess what my fun fact was? :) My stocking read " I am pregnant and due 5/14/09!

Let me tell you, that was the talk of the party! There were only 3 or 4 people that could apply to, and we were all interrogated and watched like hawks, lol. One of my co-workers who already knew, grabbed me an empty beer bottle and whispered for me to go fill it up with water so I could fool others. It worked great!

When the time came to share the answers to the questions, I gave a sealed envelope to the "announcer" and had him read them aloud. It was so much fun to hear every laugh as they found out who played the trumpet in high school, and who once had a pierced tongue! My name was towards the end of the list, and as the announcer came close to it, I could tell he had been reading ahead. All of the sudden he looked up at me and made eye contact, giving me this awesome surprised look and warm smile! I loved it! Then when it was time to read my name, he skipped it! You should have heard all the shouts!!! After just a couple more answers, he finished with my announcement, and the entire office stood up and clapped!

No one ever suspected it, and I was just showered with congrats :) It was so much fun!

Apparently, I have a belly :)

When I was out shopping on Saturday, I got my first comment from a stranger :)

Hubby and I were making small talk with a cashier at Camp World while another clerk went to look in the shop for some sort of part he needs for the gas line on the ice fish house.

We were talking about how busy Cabela's (just down the street from their store) was because Santa was there and people were taking their kids in for photos. The lady said "Looks like you'll be doing that next year!"

Yay!

Appt. Update

Had a regular OB check-up today.

It went well, my total weight gain so far has only been 1lb - I just keep fluxuating right around the same weight.

I got scolded for being dehydrated, but to my defense this appt was first thing in the AM and I try not to drink water after about 8pm so I don't have to get up at night to pee more than 2x. I am much more hydrated later in the day :)

Got some blood drawn to test for nueral tube defects. The lab tech didn't know what he was doing and totally dug around in my arm.

And then I got to schedule the big ultrasound! December 24th at 8:30 AM! Hubby and I are super excited to see this little one again!

Baby Kicks!

I am pretty much positive that the little twitches I have been feeling is my baby tapping me :) I always thought that when I got far enough along to feel baby kicking, I would just know what it was and I guess I had this image in my mind of having this moment when I would feel it for the first time and just be so estatic, that it has been frusterating questioning myself and not really knowing if that is what I was feeling or not!

It doesn't feel like butterflies or anything else anyone on here has described it as (except maybe the whole gas bubble thing), but for me, really does feel like someone is tapping there finger on my lower abdomen, only from the inside. Pretty cool. Now I just can't wait for it to get more frequent and stronger!

Heart Palpatations

Well, I had a bit of a scary day last Wednesday.

I could feel my heart beat in my throat and it made me feel like I wanted to cough, even though I didn't really have too. I thought maybe my pulse was racing too, so I put my forefingers up to the pulse in my neck to count the beats and realized that my heart was beating quite erratically and was skipping beats here and there.

I didn't think I was stressed out, so I had no idea what else could have been causing it. After having a speedy and irregular heartbeat for a couple hours I decided to email my doctor to see if it was anything to be concerned about. A nurse called me back and recommended I go to the ER, and even tho I really didn't want to go, I went.

I got hooked up for an EKG, and some other heart tests and had these little sticky patches all over me - it reminded me of all the baby pictures of my premature self, hooked up to the heart monitor :) I was able to watch my heartbeat on the monitor which I was happy about because then I could actually see the irregular or as they called them "premature" beats - so at least I know I wasn't imagining things!

I had 4 tubes of blood taken and then I waited, for hours, for the test results to come in. Made good use of that time by taking a nap! When the results finally did come in, everyone was stumped and couldn't figure it out. No thyroid issues, nothing.

So I was discharged with the instructions to avoid caffeine, OTC's, drink plenty of water, rest and try not to be anxious. In otherwords - continue doing exactly what I have been doing for the last 4 months!

But at least I know now that nothings wrong with me or baby :)

Beer Cheese Soup

I got my first real craving this week - beer cheese soup!

I met a friend for lunch Sunday, and ordered soup & a sandwich. The restaurants soup of the day was beer cheese. SO, I thought I would try it,I have only eaten it twice in my life, and I just thought it was okay then, but it sounded like it would go good with my sandwich. Well, their soup sucked. It tasted neither like beer, nor like cheese. The stuff was terrible! I sent it back and got fries instead.

But for some reason, after that, I NEEDED beer cheese soup! Like, I wanted beer cheese soup as bad as my poor sex-deprieved hubby probably wants to get it on. I was horny for beer cheese soup. Ha ha ha! Everything else I tried to eat just tasted flat and unappetizing.

Of course, hubby wouldn't go out to eat Monday night, because Heroes was on, but I managed to convince him that we had to go on Tuesday for sure.

We went to a little local bar that has beer cheese soup on there regular menu, so I was hoping it would be good. My gawd. Heaven in a bowl! I swear I have never been so satisfied in my entire life as I was sitting in that bar eating my bowl of soup.

DH thought I was crazy. He's like "I am going to go home and melt some cheese in the microwave and add a splash of beer and give it to you with a spoon" He thought it looked like nacho dip and said he couldn't believe I was eating a whole bowl of cheese, lol.

If only he knew how good it was... and how often we are going to have to go back and get more!!!

Bring on the hormones!

I was laying on the couch in my pj's watching Smallville last night and feeling utterly miserable with a terrible migraine, acid reflux and being upset over an argument with my mom earlier that day. All the sudden my dog jumps up on the couch and starts to climb all over me thinking he is going to crawl up and snuggle next to my chest. He stomped right on my poor un-bra'ed booby!

It hust SO bad it brought tears to my eyes, and as DH starts asking me if I am okay I literally started sobbing uncontrollably. Poor DH, he thinks that my nipple got like, ripped off and that I am seriously hurt.

Meanwhile, I start laughing because even tho it hurt, it didn't hurt bad enough for that kind of reaction, and things just all the sudden got to me.

So here I am holding my booby, laughing and crying, and trying to breathe and compose myself, saying "I just had a bad day! I don't know why I am crying!" as DH is just staring at me dumbfounded.

I can only imagine what that scene looked like! Jeesh!

Vent: Mothers can be so difficult!

Okay so I am extremely annoyed right now. I have talked to my mother 2x this week and both times, I felt like I had smoke coming out of my ears and fire out of my mouth by the time I got of the phone!

I get so irritated sometimes. I have a MIL that is overly enthusiastic, gets giddy and squealy over nothing and bawls at the drop of a hat, and then I have my own mom who usually reacts to things pretty much matter-of-factly.

Well, I talked to her today tuesday (she called to make sure it was still oky by me for her to tell G'ma the news) and I wanted to share the good news about my NT scan results. Well, here is how the conversation went down:

Me: So, I got the results of the NT scan back

Her: What's that?

Me: Well, the ultrasound I had last week was part of the 1st tri screening, I also had blood drawn–

Her (interrupting): well now they've got your DNA!

Me: What? I doubt it, they didn't even get a vial of blood, just put drops of it on paper and mailed it off.

Her: Well, you obviously aren't up on your biology lessons.

Me: Whatever, I don't care. If "they" wanted my dna, they would get it someway anyway!

Her: I figured you'd do that anyway, I thought you would want to be checked for Down Syndrome. I wasn't going to ask. I don't know, maybe you would want to terminate the pregnancy.

Me (by this point I wanted to hang up on her and wasn't at all happy to share what I thought was good and exciting news): At anyrate the results were good.

Her: Oh, well thats good. I have a call on another line. Better take that. Love you, Bye.

And then she called me today - at my desk at work in the middle of the afternoon. Mind you I work in a cubicle and everyone around me (who do not know I am pregnant) can hear me.

Her: I just wanted to know if you gave your MIL the same restrictions you gave me.

Me: What do you mean?

Her: Did you tell her that she had to tell everyone she shared the news with not to post it on Facebook?

Me: Well, if I had told her she could share the news at all, and if anyone she knew was on Facebook, then yes, I would tell her the same thing!

Her:, Oh, well, I told your G'ma today and she says nobody is on there and she's not doing that. I told her, yes everybody is on it, but she doesn't get it.

Me: Everybody is not on it, but there are a handful of relatives, and that is not how I want the news to spread! We have close friends on there we haven't been able to see in person to tell yet!

Her: Well, I just think its ridiculous that I have to qualify your pregnancy with that.
(Does that even make sense???)

Me: Mom, I am at work, this is neither the time nor the place. I will call you when I get off.

Her: If you want too. I just wanted to know if MIL had the same set of rules you gave me...

Permission to scream now? I don't understand why sharing happy news always has to be so damn difficult with her! And I am so glad G'ma is happy for us too. Gawd!

NT Scan results :)

I just got a phone call from the genetic counselor we met with last week. She was super nice and I am glad we got the chance to work with her. I will take all the positive experience I can get with this pregnancy!

Anyways, the results were great! Less than 1 in 10,000 for Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & Trisomy 18.

The average chances for my age range are 1:960 for DS and 1:1,763 for Tri13 or Tri18, so that means that the risk of baby being born with one of those defects is considerably below average based on ultrasound results and my bloodwork.

Yay! I didn't really do the screening for the intended purposes. I really just wanted the chance for another insurance covered u/s. But since I have a 12 year old brother with DS and Autism, it still has been a concern.

I am very happy to have this reassurance!

2nd Trimester today!

Yay! I am so excited, I made it through the first trimester! Not only that, but I made it through without any puking, spotting scares, or major emotional breakdowns! I am counting my blessings that everything is going great. Thanks to everyone who has kept me and baby in your thoughts and prayers!

What a little wiggle worm!

Dh and I went down to the U of M for 1st trimester screening today. I am so glad we decided to go ahead and do this screening. It was such an amazing experience to see out little one in there. The 8 week 5 day u/s just looked like a little blob, but now it really looks like a baby.

And it MOVES!

OMG, Baby was SOOOO cute! In there wiggling around and doing flips, kicking and waving those tiny arms around. I have quite the little wiggle worm in there! The u/s tech could not get baby in the right spot to get the measurements she needed because the little one kept dancing around :) We got some cute pics too, here is the best one:


It looks like baby is sucking that tiny little thumb, doesn't it?

Anyways, we don't get the final results of the screening for another week or so, but according to the u/s tech the ultrasound results were better than average and the doctor said everything looks great!

Baby was measuring 1 day ahead of schedule at 12 weeks 6 days, and had a healthy heartbeat of 148 beats per minute.

I thin we are really starting to believe that this is actually going to happen. We have a real live baby growing away in there that we get to meet this spring!

I found the heartbeat with my doppler!!!

Yay! I am so excited! There was absolutely no mistaking that fast little beat for my own :)

But now I am positive that all I was finding before was my own heartbeat.

I can't wait til dh comes home tomorrow so I can have him listen too!

2nd Appt!

Well, I had my 2nd appt this morning, and I think everything went well. once the nurse called me in, I was in and out of there in less than 10 minutes, couldn't believe it.

The doctor came in and used the doppler to listen for the heartbeart. She found it almost immediatly and said it was really good and strong, and that was it. I didn't get a heartrate or anything, she barely even listened, just found it and was like okay, there it is, and turned the doppler off.

After that I asked her about being thristy ALL the time (I seriously drink like 12 glasses of water a day, and even then I wake up at night thirsty and dry-mouthed and my pee is always dark yellow. She said if I still felt that way at my next appt we would do a GD test early.

Then, I went home and tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler I bought off the internet, but all I could find in the same spot that the dr found it was what dh and I thought was my heartbeat when we tried last week. So now I am paranoid that the doctor was hearing my heartbeat and not baby's.

I tried to count the beats, of both what I was hearing on the doppler and my own pulse, but it was kinda hard to count that fast. I have a really fast resting heartbeat (like 80+ bpm) and since I was anxious I was getting like 100 bpm on my own pulse, and I *think* like 120 bpm from the doppler. They were just so close it was hard to tell. I wish I had bought the version with the heartrate display now!

But, I figure the dr has heard alot of baby heartbeats in her time, and I should trust her judgement. Plus, my NT scan is next Tuesday, so I only have to wait a week for more reassurance, right? Right!

Scheduled my NT scan!

Hubby and I debated getting this done, but decided we wanted the chance to see our little one again, since my OB isn't going to do another u/s until 20 weeks.

We had to get a refferal to go to one of the bigger hospitals about an hour away, and I got the call last night.

We get to see our baby again on Election day! Nov 4th at 1:30pm! I will be 12 weeks, 5 days.

Yay! I am so excited!

Whoo-hoo!

I can finally post all the "draft" posts I've had piling up.

One of my IRL girlfriends checks my blog daily, and I didn't want to post all this big news without telling her in person first, so my entires have been piling up!

The 4 below posts are all new as of today - 10/19/08.

Have fun reading :)

Told my family last night! In-laws tonight!

It was nerve wrecking, but dh and I visited my family last night and told the whole crew. It was my dad's 55th b-day friday and my youngest brother's 12th bday today, so my other 2 brothers & my possible future SIL came home from college, and my sister came over too. The whole fam-dam-ily.

It was alot of work trying to get everyone seated together in one room, but somehow I managed. I told everyone that I had a gift for Dad to open, and that it had some strings attached - because even tho he got to unwrap it, what was inside was for the whole family.

Inside was a small photo album. The cover said May 14th, 2009, and on the first page I printed this poem I've seen used by other nesties:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come May,
That's when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandchild,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
Is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.

and then when you flip the page was a photocopy of the ultrasound.

I told Dad that he had to read the poem aloud for the whole family to hear. It worked great!No one suspected a thing! My mom even started to cry! I know I was teary-eyed listening to Dad get choked up as he read and dh later admitted he was getting a little watery-eyed himself.

Now, on to the other side of the family! We tell dh's parents tonight! We have then same album made for them, only in this case, it is going to be an aniversary gift!

1st Ultrasound!

The day finally came; Oct 7th. Our first ob appointment and our second wedding anniversary. The doctor confirmed that I could get an ultrasound at my first appointment, so I no longer had to worry about begging for that, but still I was a complete and utter wreck.

DH and I both took half days at work, and planned to go to my appointment at 2:10 and then go out and celebrate with dinner.

DH actually ended up with a rain day (he works outdoors) so he got off at 9:30 am, and went to pick up some parts for the ice-fish house he is building. Not surprisingly, it took longer than expected, so he was running late.

There I was sitting in the waiting room, sweaty palms, and racing heart, convinced that since it was a gray and rainy day, we were going to get bad news, just like foreshadowing that always happens in books and movies.

DH showed up about 15 minutes later, but I still hadn't been called into an exam room, thank goodness, I sooo needed him there to be my anchor. Can't believe how much better I felt with him there with me.

We finally got called in about 5-10 minutes after he arrived, and the nurse did all the normal things, temp, blood pressure, pulse etc,and then gave us a little speech about hormones and pg, made us both giggle. It was the same nurse that helped this dr when I had my physical in August and I really like her, so I was glad to find out she is my doctors nurse at all times and who I will be seeing throughout the pregnancy.

Finally the doctor came in, we talked for a little bit and to be honest with you, I don't even really remember what all we discussed. I was just so anxious!

Than came the moment off truth, up onto the table, with my legs spread and feet in stirrups (wonder what dh thought about that sight? lol) while she rolled in the u/s machine...

and this is what it showed!

[IMG]http://i34.tinypic.com/vfj9xs.jpg[/IMG]


Instant relief! I was so happy, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! Doctor said that baby was measuring somewhere between 8 weeks 1 day and 8 weeks 4 days, with a heartbeat of 160-170 beats per minute. and that "i had a very active little peanut"!

Yay! Even tho the machine was old and crappy, so the pictures didn't turn out that great (baby just looks likt a little blob) It is still so nice to have been able to see that everything really is going the way it is supposed to!

It was the best anniversary gift EVER! and we definitely went out for dinner to celebrate (no alcohol for me of course! Dr's orders ;)

A trip to Limbo

Since the bfp, DH and I are both super excited, but a little reluctant to celebrate until after we see a little baby bouncing around in there on ultrasound.

I have basically have all the same symptoms as last time, and no morning sickness as of yet (7weeks, 2 days).

I got my first beta done at 13dpo, and it was a healthy 135, so the doctor said she didn't want me to come back for anymore blood work, and just to make an appt for sometime after 8 weeks. It feels like an eternity! I am so anxious! I just want that little bean in there to grow!

So, my first appt is for Oct 7th. This is also our 2 year anniversary, so I am really hoping we have a lot to celebrate that night! I haven't been able to confirm that I will get an u/s, but Dh is coming with me just in case, and if the doctor declines, I really might have to resort to crying and begging!

In the meantime tho, I did go have my OB Intake appointment with the OB educator. I just loved her! When she came and got me in the waiting room, she apologized for it taking so long, explaining that she was reviewing my charts. And then she said "First things first, How are you feeling? Are you doing alright? What can we do to relieve your anxiety?"

Yeah! Someone who cared! It felt so nice! Of course, I tried to hint towards getting an u/s done, but she explained that sometimes this early (I was 6 weeks, 6 days) the babies development can vary so much, that it can cause even more anxiety if things aren't progressed as far as the mother thinks they should be. So what she suggested was to do another HCG draw. She said that she expected the number to be thousands and thousands, and that would make me feel better.

I was a little disappointed, but I didn't really want to have an u/s without DH there anyways, so I gratefully took the bloodwork she offered me (it was more than I arrived thinking I would get!) Then we went on to chat all about family medical history, and different things I should know about being pg. It wasn't a very informational session, because I knew so much already. She told me it was a good thing everyone didn't know as much as I did or she would be out of a job! Lol, thanks for all the info I've learned from my fellow nesties :)

So, I went off for my blood draw (where I learned I just need to give them my left arm off the bat- they always try the right first, and it never works!) And went on to work, trying to wait patiently for the phone call the next day with my results. To my surprise, she called me 5 hours later! It was sooo nice not to have to wait! and at 34 dpo/6 weeks, 6 days, my hcg was... drumroll please...

113,460!!!

I was so happy to hear that number! I think it seems pretty high! I checked americanpregnancy.org for the list of average hcg levels and it said:

* 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
* 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
* 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
* 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
* 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7,650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
* 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
* 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
* 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
* 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml

So I was definitely in the 7-8 week level, even tho I was just shy of 7 weeks :)

The ob educator was right, it did make me feel better! My level when I was in the ER last time was only 1408, so I have surpassed that by far! Yay for milestones!. Now, if only Oct 7th would just get here!

Big news!

So, I know its been awhile since I updated, but I have a few friends irl who periodically check my blog, so I wanted to hold off until I had a chance to tell them in person, before I posted:

MY BFP!!!

Yep, that's right! I am KTFU again! Yay!

I found out on labor day, and here is how my bfp story goes:

DH and I went to some close friends out-of-town wedding over labor day weekend. The entire time I was having cramps reminscent of my last pg, but since I had a temp dip in my chart the day before we left, I thought forsure AF was coming. I wasn't giving up all hope tho, and it was very stressful being away from home (and my thermometer - we shared a hotel room with 7 other people!)

Almost as soon as we got home on Sunday, I took a test. I was only 10 dpo, but those cramps were driving me crazy, and I just had to know! but, as most of you know, 10 dpo is REALLY early. DH and I both thought there might have been a line, but it was one of those barely-there-and-only-if-you-hold-it-at-the-right-angle-in-the-right-light kind of lines.

So we decided to take it as inconclusive and wait until the next morning to test again with FMU. I am so glad we decided to do that, as anxious as I was to take that digital I hadwaiting for me, the nest 24 hours was so amazing!

That night Dh and I had a campfire. Him and I, and our puppy, all just layed in the grass and watched for shooting stars to wish on :) It was peaceful, relaxing, and just such a love-filled evening, listening to each others wishes. We went to bed that night excited for the next morning, but also I think we found some peace in knowing that even if there wasn't two pink lines the nest day, we had each other and could still enjoy wonderful moments like that night.

Cut to the next morning. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, as I always do, because I had to pee. I was aware that 11dpo was still early, but after that almost a line from the day before, I was really feeling like this would be it! So, I took out another dollar tree test... lo and behold.. the line was still faint, but this time it was definitly there! I whipped out the digital anxious to see the word PREGNANT stare back and me, dipped it in my dixie cup, and set it down. Almost immediately I saw that wonderful word!

I was super excited, but wasn't quite sure how to tell dh, so I decided to leave that test on the bathroom counter, so he could have the fun of seeing it from the test too. As I crawled back into bed, DH crawled out, so he could take his turn using the bathroom. But when he came back, he just got into bed, held me, and didn't say a word. I was baffled, but kept mum. After a few minutes he asked "So...?" And I replied "I left the test on the counter, didn't you see it?" DH says "I saw it, but I couldn't look. I wanted to hear it from you" Ahh, so cute, I gave him the tightest hug and said "Yes! You are going to be a Daddy!" He just pulled me even closer to him and held me tight and sighed "This is the best labor day EVER!"

It was so cute!

I've been tagged!

PerfectPeach challenged all the TTCAL nesties with blogs to complete this survey/quiz.
Happy reading!

i am: always trying to be a better person.
i think: that life isn't always fair or easy
i know: what I want
i want: to be happy
i have: an amazing husband, a cute puppy, loving family, a comfortable home and supportive friends (Amanda & Brandi - love you girls)
i wish: I could be confident in my future
i hate: that I fear things may go wrong
i miss: the loved ones that I have lost
i fear: aliens and escalators
i feel: content for the moment
i hear: dh mowing the lawn :)
i smell: the charcoal grill going on the deck
i crave: the burger and corn on the cob we are making for dinner
i search: the internet, i am a google junkie
i wonder: what our future children will be like
i regret: not having smiled more
i ache: when I think about the baby i lost
i care: more than people think
i always: try my best
i am not: a lier
i believe: in God the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; he descended to hell. The third day he rose again from the dead. He ascended to heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty. From there he will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.
i dance: when I am happy
i sing: loudly in the car on my way to work
i cry: when i feel alone
i don't always: want to get up in the mornings
i fight: very rarely
i write: pretty well, but i really don't enjoy it
i never: want to feel the pain of having a loved one be terminally ill
i stole: a pair of sunglasses once
i listen: when my friends need an ear
i need: to be comforted
i am happy about: having a 4 day weekend and taking a nap on the couch with dh today

BFP Potion

I haven't been on here in quite awhile, so I figured it's time to update.

The next chapter in my TTC saga is: TTC again! Yeah!

DH and I decided to go for it! I started charting this cycle and used OPKs, so I know I am 5dpo. I am really getting my hopes up that I will get a BFP and this time things will work out alright. I know I shouldn't be too hopeful, it's only my first cycle trying since the m/c - but I just can't help it! My fellow TTCAL nestie even send the BFP potion award my way.

For all you non-nesties out there reading - that means another girl who posts on the Nest websites Trying To Concieve After a Loss forum send me the link to add this cute little image of a potion bottle to my signature. We pass these awards around to whomever is the most deserving. So, apparently, Halsgal thinks I deserve to get that positive test! Thanks Halsgal!

Anyways, even if I don't get that bfp this cycle, I feel like I am learning more about my body and that will help alot. I also went in for my annual pap - 2 months early - so I could meet the new ob/gyn at my local clinic and talk to her about everything. She said she thinks I may have a mild case of PCOS, but isn't too concerned about it, and that if I am not KTFU by Jan/Feb to come back and see her! Lots of doctors say to wait a ful year before they will take any further action, so I am lucky she is pro-active.

Hopefully, I will be going back to see her much sooner than that tho - with a BFP!

Wish me luck!!!

Facebook status' p!ss me off today.

Argh! I am so ANGRY today! One of my bff's is about 10 weeks pregnant and her facebook status is frequently updated with negative comments about her pregnancy.

Here are a few:

______is feeling very pregnant today :-(.

______is excited for ______'s bachelorette party, to bad I'm preggers and can't drink :-(

______is not happy because DH said I definatly have a baby bump already!

I am sure she doesn't realize how distressing this could be for some to read, but seriously! It hurts that she expresses unhappiness with the fact that she feels pregnant and is getting a bump, when I want those things so badly!

Argh! Just had to vent...

To ttc or not to ttc. That is the question.

So, I know I said I was ready for some changes in my life, but I guess I wasn't specific enough...

DH all the sudden thinks he is going to get burnt out at his job, and he is envious of the fact that his brother makes so much money and has great benefits. Now Hubby thinks he wants to give his brother's career a try!

Well, his little bro is a lineman apprentice. He is working while training to become a full-fledged lineman. Those are the guys who work on powerlines. He makes more money than DH and I put together and gets like an automatic 25% put into retirement fund. But he also has a very dangerous job and he has to live wherever work is during the week. He only is home like 1-2 days a each weekend when he chooses to drive home. Plus its dangerous! And the people are not exactly the wholesome devoted husbands and father-types that I want my DH to be influence by every day.

Before this whole scenerio came up, I thought we basically had figured out what to do for our "TTC game plan". We were going to take a break for a while and start trying again in January to see if we could time a fall/winter baby again. The reasoning behind this is that since DH works seasonal he wouldn't be able to be as supportive or involved if we had a child in the busy summer months. So why not take advantage of the fact that he is home for 4 months during the winter? But if I didn't get pg during the prime window, we weren't going to stop ttc and wait again, just keep trying til it happened!

But now I am torn. On one hand, if he switches careers and isn't home in the winters, why wait? We could try again right away. On the other hand if he starts a job where he is never home, should we wait indefinitly to ttc? DH says he want to do this for like 2-3 years until the apprenticeship is up and then try to get a full-time job with a local electric company, so he can work normal hours and be home every night.

Neither of us really know what to do right now, and I know that I am not going to get my ideal situation no matter what. Either I will spend a couple years with my child not having the support from DH that I want, or I have to wait a few years, and that makes me really sad to think about too.

Life just sucks sometimes

So, an update on that friend who has not returned my attempts to contact her. A briefing for those who don't know whats going on: I have this friend, who has also been ttc for about the same time as us. When I told her that DH and I were expecting, she didn't act excited at all. The next 3 weeks, I tried to call, im, and text and she never responded. I didn't understand why, and then I m/c and it was all I could do to get through that and I couldn't emotionally handle anymore. She found out through mutual friends that I had a m/c, and never called emailed or anything.

So I thought, well, maybe there is more going on than just her finals distracting her. Who knows, maybe she even has m/c before and never told me? I didn't know, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not just think she plain old didn't care.

I started out right away by asking her if there had been anything else going on in her life that she hadn't shared with me... she responded yes... you aren't supposed to know yet... I'm pregnant!

Not what I expected her to say at all.

After I congratulated her and we talked a little bit about her news, I explained why I asked the question, that I felt like she wasn't happy when I told her I was pg, and didn't understand why she never responded when I tried to contact her, and then after she heard about the m/c, why she never called or emailed or anything.

Her response was: She said she was very surprised when we told her our news because she didn't really think I was that serious when we talked about ttc (even though I told her I was worried about my crazy cycles, that I bought a CBEFM, shared with her about the dollar tree hpts, we even talked about how waiting to test sucked...)

As to why she never responded to my attempts to get in touch with her during the next few weeks, she said she was just busy with school and didn't really talk to any of her friends outside of class.

And then, when she found out about my m/c she simply said she didn't know what to say.

So basically, she was too busy with everything going on in her life to have time for a friend going thru hell. I have learned not to expect any support from her.

Plus, I listenend for the rest of our time together all about her symptoms, appointments and such. All while thinking, that we should have had babies 8 weeks apart, and how much fun it would have been to be pg together. Thinking that there were really 3 of us there, and should have been 4. But while she was glowing and excited, I just felt empty and alone.

And to top it off, when I went home and cried to my husband - he just told me I should be happy for her, and not to worry we'll get pg again. Seriously, shouldn't he know what not to say by now?!

Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

Yesterday, someone of the nest was kind enough to share the beautiful ornament they got. I just absolutly loved it and had to go out after work yesterday and get my own.

http://www.hallmark.com/online/in-stores/keepsake-ornaments/2010/ornament-detail/?id=mtel_qxg7486



I am going to put in a shadow box and hang it on the wall.

The upstairs bathroom is all done up with caribbean teal walls and seashell accents. I already have 2 shadow boxes, one with shells ans coral and one with sand and a sand dollar. I wanted a third, but didn't know what to put in it... funny how things work isn't it?

It will be perfect there, even DH likes it. He liked the fact that even though it is pretty for anyone to look at, it will kind of be a secret memorial for us.

and I smiled

Yesterday, right before I left work, I go an e-mail from one of my BFP buddies. She finally got her BFP! Considering how upset I have been and the anger I have felt, I never expected to have to have the reaction I did...

I gasped... and I smiled! The moment I realized I smiled, it hit me - I was happy for her, genuinely happy! The sadness I have grown accustomed to feeling anytime anyone talks baby or I see a pg woman, the waves of memories of my m/c - none of those immediately hit me!

I am just ecstatic, both because I am happy for her (congrats bluepalm!) and also because I feel like I have reached a new point in healing. 

I called up DH right away and told him (he asks occasionally about 'my girls online') and he was so proud of me. He told me I was coping much better than he expected, and was wondering when I would be happy [about babies] again.

Yea!

Found words

Today, instead of trying to express myself through my own words, I thought I'd find some others who share the same feelings. I came across this website:

http://www.honoredbabies.org/writing-center/poetry

There were tons of different poems written by different people who all had different experiences with miscarriage. This is one that I really related to:


Thoughts For The Child I Lost
by "Sis"


There might come a day sometime in the future
When I don’t think about you constantly,
Wonder what you would have looked like,
What color your hair would have been,
And how your smile might have looked.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I won’t wonder what I did wrong.
When I won’t blame myself.
When the sharp blade of pain will become dull.
When I can accept this as meant to be.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I carry another child
And though I will love him beyond measure
And though I will hold him a little tighter,
And though he will be my child,
He won’t be you.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at a baby without aching for you.
But it won’t be today.

Newborn at the office

Ahhh! My main cause of distress the past 4 weeks has been the fact that one of my very close co-workers had a baby 11 days after my m/c.

I have managed not to get emotional or angry when everyone talks about his new little one, even though I also haven't been really cheerful or supportive to him either. But now today he told me his wife is coming to the office to show off the little tyke tommorrow!

I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Seriously, I am so tired of pretending to be happy when everybody talks about his baby I could puke.

How is it that I can want a baby and miss the one I had growing in me so much, and at the same time want to avoid anything and everything baby and pregnancy related?

Frusterating! I was super excited about his new arrival until I m/c, and used to ask him questions all the time, now I just pretend like he never had a baby, because talking bout his makes me want to cry.

I don't know what to do. Part of me want to just leave and avoid the whole situation altogether, but then I don't really want to be mean, or draw attention to myself either.

Why does this have to be so hard?

4th of July

I decided that I needed something to look forward to, and just plain needed to get away. So last week my sister and I planned a random camping trip to Mackinac, MI. I was very excited to go and had a great time for the first 2 days. The weather was gorgeous, and it was so nice to just forget about everything going on for awhile.

Then, stupid me, I decided to tell my sister about the going-ons of the last 2 months. I didn't tell her at first, because I thought she wouldn't be mature enough to handle it (she is only 20, and definitly still in college student, life is fun and I don't have to do anything I don't want to, mode)but then I decided that it might be less complicated if I told her now instead of her finding out somehow later and being upset that I hadn't told her.

Big mistake. Should have stuck to my original thought.

Her response "Don't tell me that! I want to have kids of my own someday and I am tired of hearing about losing babies. I already have messed up periods and am worried about it as it is."Or something very close. I don't remember the rest exactly after the don't-tell-me-that part.

I pretty much shut down after that. The rest of the trip I was on auto-mode. I still can't even believe she said that. What a sweet, sensitive and supportive sister I have.

The topper on the cake: when I asked her nicely to keep the news to herself, she joked "Oh, too late, I already texted G'ma!" (our g'ma tells everybody everything) Ha. ha. Real funny.

Can I cry and scream at the same time?

One of my close co-workers had a baby (well, his wife did) tuesday early am, and he came into the office today for the first time since then.

I had tears streaming down my face while I sat at my desk (in the cube directly across from his) pretending to work, but really listening to him talk to every single other person in the building who stopped by his desk to ask about his baby.

I am bitter because his baby was unplanned. Yet here I am; tried and failed – and miserable. Thinking all about how unfair life is. Thinking about how we were going to start telling all our friends and family this weekend. Thinking about how I am supposed to be happy when I hear stories about his baby, smile and think about the one I had growing in me.

I avoided him the rest of the time he was here. I don't know how to act 'normal'. I want to be a good friend, but it seems so forced and fake to pretend it doesn't hurt.

My posts are turning into blog entries

Today, I realized that I usually write out all my feelings in my posts on the nest, so I have started to apple-c, apple-v them onto here, with a little editing of course.

I have been analyzing so much lately, and I wonder sometimes if I am just trying too hard to understand something that really has less meaning than I am giving it credit for.

I think dh just isn't holding this whole situation as heavily as I am. To him, yes it's sad, but we'll try again and even though the m/c has lengthened the time in which we'll have a baby, we'll get there. For me, its catastrophic(sp?). Even though I wasn't very far along, I physically, emotionally and mentally felt different. It was a dream and happiness I had always wanted, just to be suddenly ripped away. And in its place comes uncertainty, fear and this horrible emptyness. I am missing a person I never met.

I know it will get easier as time goes by, but I think it will be tough until we have a successful pregnancy. I felt this way with boyfriends when I was younger too. I never seemed to move forward until I got a new one, even though I wouldn't forget the memories of the last. Bittersweet, isn't it?

Everyday I focus on a different element of life that has to do with losing this baby, different things bother me at different times. I am trying to find little things that I can accomplish to make life easier, instead of trying to fix everything at once.

Last night I told my mom. I didn't really know how to share it with her and was dreading doing it, but it felt good to not worry about her reaction and feel bad for hiding things anymore.

I think tonight I might call that friend. Then I don't have to keep worrying about it. Hopefully she answers.

One step at a time right?

Miscarriage in a bottle

I am starting to be able to function a little better, but its still hard - I feel like I have this huge, sad secret rolled up in a bottle and when I try to throw it farther from shore, it just keeps floating back to me.

It has been very tough trying to deal with this while feeling so alone.

My husband is trying, but doesn't really get it. He really just looks at everything as a TTC hurdle and not as a loss. He also works ALOT, (he didn't even make it to the ER until I'd been there alone for 4 hours night of the m/c - he was an hour away at work, but chose to finish out the day and do an errand for his boss, and go home to change out of work clothes before he came) so he is never really home, and when he is sometimes I just want to be held and try to forget everything and be comfortable for a while, so when I accused him of not understanding or listening to me, he tells me that he'll listen if I talk! Its just a mess.

In addition to that, one of my bff's hasn't spoken to me since I shared my bfp with her. I have tried to IM her, but she mysteriously logs off every time I try to send her a message - but wait - she's still online on Facebook...

The icing on the cake today: My close co-worker's wife just had a baby this morning too, so the office is abuzz with baby talk. And of course, since my cube is right across from his and we are so close - everybody is coming in and asking me about it! So here I sit, trying to be smiley and happy all day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am really happy for him, but that doesn't mean I want to think and talk about babies all day long! A constant reminder of what I am trying to file away so I can return to a normal functioning me!

Small pieces of happiness

Ok, so I read a post on the nest mc/pgl board yesterday, I got completely nuerotic, because I didn't know anything about the rh factor and had no clue if I'd ever been tested for it.

Called my doctor today and asked her a few questions - I am rh positive - yeah! That is the highlight of my week!

Also, there is no mention of blighted ovum in my report from the u/s tech :)

I don't necessarily know if that part is good or bad medically, but it made me kinda happy. Even though I firmly believe that if you are pregnant, then you are pregnant - there is no such thing as "kinda pregnant" or different levels of how pregnant you are. Either you are or you aren't.

But my husband keeps talking about how there wasn't really a baby. I know he is trying to make light of a heavy situation, but it made me feel worse instead of better and it helps me to think that there could have been something in there for those 4 1/2 weeks we celebrated.

I feel like a zombie

Going back to work has been really sucky. The worst part is that since I have managed to answered people's "how are you doing?" questions with an automated "good." or "fine." They all seem to think that I am handling things so well, and everything is all back to normal. I feel so fake. and my productivity is ridiculously low.

My husband wants me to go out and see friends this weekend. I don't want to go. I don't want to pretend like nothings happened and plaster a fake smile on my face.

He also had the nerve yesterday to ask me not to 'freak out' on anybody if they ask me how I am doing. I told him how upset I was that his bro thought I was doing so well, and he interpreted that as a warning that I might over-react to other peoples inquiries.

I was so mad. I mean, I love my hubby and he is trying so hard to understand how I feel, but seriously, maybe he could be a little more considerate, and think that perhaps I have the right to react to life's situations? And perhaps he could have talked to me and found out what level of comfort I have and then inform his friends what to/not to say? Instead of asking me not to freakout?



Why does this all have to be so tough?

And then to make matters even better, this morning my co-worker asked me to do him a favor and fix his ball cap so that it fit better. After I finish hand stitching a couple darts in it, another co-worker of ours commented that she didn't know I could sew. I jokingly answered back that I am a woman of many talents, to which the first guy says "You're going to make such a great mom". It was all i could do, not to cry.

Trying to gain hope...

This is my first ever attempt at blogging, and I am not really sure if anyone will read it, but then again that isn't my purpose.

I am hoping this will be therapeutic for me. I have been reading alot of other peoples blogs, and they seem to help, so here goes nothing...

My husband and I have been TTC since January, and were soooo excited when I finally got a BFP on May 18th.

We had a wonderful, yet nervous 4 weeks celebrating our upcoming arrival, when on Friday, June 13th, I left work early when the brown spotting I had been having turned into a bright red flow. Drove straight to the ER - that was the worst commute ever.

Four hours, one urine sample, four tubes of blood, an internal exam, and four ultrasounds later, I got the news no expectant mother should ever have to hear: I was miscarrying.

Dh was working out of town and barely got there as the doctor was telling me the news. She said there wasn't really any way to tell why it happened, and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but that still doesn't make me feel better.

I cramps off and on that day and light brown spotting, but no other symptoms. The ultra sound revealed that I was only dated at around 5-ish weeks. So it took 3-4 more weeks for the bleeding to start.

My first appt wasnt for 10 more days...

I am trying to figure out how I feel and how to handle all of this. I am mostly just sad and afraid. Sad because this amazing gift that I wanted so badly was taken away from me, and scared because I don't know what the future brings or if I will ever be able to become a mother.

My BIL was telling me how great I am handling things. I just wanted to scream at him and tell him I am not! That I want to cry every minute all day long and how horrible it is to know that a dream that I have hoped for for so long has been ripped away from me and how afraid I am that things will never be right again.

In the meantime, I am just glad that I have my wonderful husband to come home to! He really is my strength and I am so grateful to know that even though I have lost a small piece of my heart with this baby, the rest is safe with him.